


I'm A Long Time Travelin' Here

by RobinPlaysTrumpet15



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Birthday Party, F/M, Fireworks, Fluff, Fourth of July, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Tony can be a clutz, steve's birthday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 19:22:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7400521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinPlaysTrumpet15/pseuds/RobinPlaysTrumpet15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve would have been happy with a quiet day with his boyfriend for his birthday. But the other Avengers think differently. When an accident causes an unexpected panic attack, they may find out more about Steve than he ever wanted them to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm A Long Time Travelin' Here

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Steve had PTSD and is thrown into a panic attack

“Happy birthday, Steve!”

Not that Steve didn’t appreciate the party or anything, but he hadn’t been expecting it. Before the war, it was just him and Bucky. They would mess around for the day: go out to the park or just stay in at their tiny little excuse for an apartment. Steve would draw and Bucky would watch. The older brunette would wind his arms around Steve’s waist, holding him close against his chest. Lips brushed against his neck, shivers coursing down Steve’s spine as his pencil would wobble just the tiniest bit.

In the evening, the two would sit out on the roof of their building, watching the fireworks unfold across the sky. When Steve was younger, he’d been scared of the loud bangs and cracks the fireworks would make. But Bucky held him just the way he always had, quietly assuring that nothing would get to Steve while he was around. He would watch Bucky’s face light up in bursts of blue and gold and red, his blue eyes sparkling in the dark.

And Steve would have been perfectly happy with a day like that. It wouldn’t be exactly the same. Steve wasn’t small enough to fit in Bucky’s lap anymore, Bucky’s smiles now were rarer and didn’t shine as brightly. But what Steve missed was the simplicity.

Of course he was thankful for everything his friends had gone to the trouble of doing for him. They sat around two picnic tables at a park, close by a pond. The park wasn’t one Steve was used to, being several miles outside the city, but he figured it was better this way. There weren’t many people around to recognize them. There were streamers and balloons hung around the pavilion they sat under. He had a cake, and there was a pile of presents on another table. Clint had convinced Natasha to help him grill burgers and hot dogs. Tony had been going on and on to Bruce about the amazing new fireworks he’d created just for today. (They were supposed to be the most awesome fireworks any of them had ever seen.) Thor had been telling him stories all day about birthdays on Asgard while Sam chilled off to the side with Vision, content to watch things unfold for the moment.

Pepper was the one who had yet to make a gigantic deal out of his birthday. She had said happy birthday once, smiled at him and hugged him, and made idle conversation with him from that point on. Steve appreciated that.

But there was something completely off about all this. Bucky hadn’t shown up today once.

That in and of itself unnerved Steve. Bucky had been adamant about not missing Steve’s birthday this year. He had missed enough of them, goddamn it. He was not going to miss another. Bucky had been there that morning when Steve woke, nuzzling into the blonde’s neck and shoulder.He’d pressed his lips all across Steve’s exposed skin, covering him in kiss after kiss. Eventually, he had gotten up to go out for a run, and Steve hadn’t seen him since then.

Steve was positive that everything was fine. He had gotten quite a few texts from Bucky over the course of the day, assuring him that he would be there soon and that he just had to do one more thing or find it or some such shit. Steve was dangerously close to asking whether or not whatever this thing was Bucky wanted was really that important. Really, it couldn’t just wait a day or something?

Finally, just as it was getting dark and Tony was starting to get jumpy and excited for the “grand final” to the party, another car pulled up into the grassy little area the group had claimed as theirs that morning. Bucky stepped out of the car, a rather forlorn and downtrodden expression on his face. But none the less, he plastered on a smile for Steve, rushing over to him to wrap the blonde up in a hug.

“Where have you been all day?” Steve demanded lightheartedly. He could be annoyed later. All he wanted now was to settle himself into his boyfriend’s comforting warmth. (For mid summer, the day had been strangely chilled and damp.

“I’ll tell you later, doll.” Bucky whispered into his ear, pressing his lips to his temple. Steve frowned slightly at that, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. 

“Alright, you two, that’s enough of that. We have a fucking awesome firework display to get to!” Tony called. Several answering calls of “Language!” sounded around him. Everyone laughed.

That’s one thing Steve had enjoyed the most during the day-long picnic/party. The laughter. It was light, lifting Steve’s spirits as they had gradually dropped lower and lower.

The group moved all the edge of the pond, a weathered wooden dock standing on the opposite side. They each found seats to claim, none of them at all very far from each other. Steve sat on the edge, tucked up against Bucky’s side beneath his arm. One leg hung over the side of the wood, swinging slowly above the dark water.

“Ready?!” Tony called over at them from his spot with the fireworks.

“We’re ready!” was Pepper’s answering call.

Suddenly the sky was lighting up in brilliant colors. The shape of the sparks seemed familiar. As Steve squinted at it, he recognized the form of Thor’s hammer, sparkling in white and red dots of light. When the others noticed it, there was a gasp of awe from the group. The next one fired off was the in the shape of Natasha’s Black Widow belt buckle. Clint’s was a purple bow and arrow. Then came a bright blue arc reactor. A red star followed, similar to the one painted on Bucky’s metal arm. The very last one was a combination of several different fireworks all being set off at once. And suddenly there was Captain America’s shield flying high in the sky. Everyone cheered and clapped, several people leaning over towards Steve and patting him on the back. 

Following that display, Tony had “regular” fireworks planned out, several green and purple ones obviously meant for Bruce, the others varying from red to gold and blue to white.

The last of the fireworks went off, and everyone cheered again, clapping happily. Bucky stood, pulling Steve to his feet with him as the others began wandering off, back to the pavilion.

“I’m sorry I was late, Stevie. I looked everywhere for your present, but I couldn’t find it.”

Steve stepped closer into the brunette’s space, brushing his nose along Bucky’s. His hands found Bucky’s, intertwining their fingers tightly. “It’s fine, Buck. I’m just glad you’re here.”

“You little liar. Besides, I’m still getting you a present. I just haven’t-”

Suddenly, the sky was lit up again, a fast series of loud cracks and booms going off across the lake. Steve startled hard, pulling out of Bucky’s grip and stepping back. His misstep sent his weight falling behind him, plunging him into the water.

The water was cold. The chill seeped through to Steve’s skin, penetrating into his bones and freezing up his muscles. And suddenly, Steve wasn’t at a park with his friends, celebrating his birthday. He was flying a plane: a plane that he had told Peggy wouldn’t be able to land anywhere. Which Steve knew was a lie, and he suspected Peggy did too. He could have landed that plane. But there he was, consciously making the decision to put the aircraft in the water. He shouldn’t have made it out of there, and he had honestly been banking on that. Steve was supposed to die in that crash.

He’d been thrown from the seat with the impact of the landing, falling to the floor beside his shield. Water was welling up inside the cabin fast, freezing and stinging as it soaked through his uniform. Silently, Steve resigned himself to this, clutching his compass in his hand. Not only was there a picture of Peggy in there, but beneath that was the picture of Bucky that he kept hidden away. Suddenly the water was nearing his neck and Steve closed his eyes. The cold was pushing black spots into his vision as he felt his breath slowing. Steve lost his bearings when he couldn’t feel his chest moving with his labored breaths anymore.

Reality came crashing back into Steve, the water level over his head now. Steve flailed, his arms and legs attempting his push his body back up to the surface, the cold of the dark water swallowing him further.

No no no no no

There was a splash of another body crashing into the water, hands suddenly grabbing onto him and hauling him up towards the vague light of the crescent moon. Steve’s head broke the surface of the water, gasping air back into his lungs. The hands stayed glued to his arms. His first instinct was to fight them.

No, Hydra couldn’t get him. If Hydra wins, then Bucky died for nothing.

“No! Let go, let go, let go!” Steve yelled, pushing the hands away, suddenly flailing in the water again. His chest was tight suddenly like it hadn’t been since before the serum, his teeth chattering hard against each other.

Somewhere around him there were shouts of his name, “Steve!” and “Cap!” being called, distress evident in the voices.

“Steve, doll, you’re alright.” a lower voice said. "Stevie, you're okay."

A hand was back on Steve’s arm, pulling him into a warm body. Steve opened his eyes to find a familiar face staring back at him. There was distress and hurt settling into blue eyes, long brunette hair plastered to his face. Steve couldn’t breathe as several other sets of hands reached down from the wooden dock Bucky held onto and hauled him bodily upwards out of the water.

“Steve, are you alright?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s wrong, Steve?”

If Steve couldn’t breathe before, it was worse now. He didn’t feel any warmer, sitting soaked on the dock. People crowded around him, the air suddenly close and stuffy despite being outside.

“C-cant…” he attempted.

“Steve, breathe. Breathe with me, Stevie. We can do this.” Bucky was suddenly kneeling before him, placing himself between Steve’s knees. He pulled one of Steve’s hands away from his chest to press three of his fingers to the pulse at the base of his throat. The blonde could feel the steady beat of his boyfriend’s heart, strong and calming.

Bucky’s dead…

“No, I’m not, Steve. And neither are you. Breathe in with me, okay?” Steve took a slow, deliberate breath with Bucky, allowing the air to fill his constricting lungs. And then Bucky was having him hold it to the count of twenty before they breathed out together just as slowly.

This continued until the haze around Steve’s head cleared, allowing him to remember where and when he was. And suddenly, Steve was crying. Fat, heavy tears falling down his cheeks that were still cold and wet from the pond.

“Hey. Hey, babe, what is it? What’re those tears for?” Bucky asked, the slightest hint of a smile in his voice.

“I lied, Bucky… I lied.” Steve whispered. Bucky’s hands moved to Steve’s cheeks, wiping away tears and rubbing little circles into the skin there.

“When did you lie?”

“I lied to Peggy. On the plane. I lied to her. I could have landed the plane…”

“What do you mean, Stevie?” Bucky whispered, the smile long since having fallen away. Steve’s hands clutched at the back of Bucky’s wet shirt.

“I crashed the plane on purpose! I could have given Peggy’s my coordinates and found a landing place for the plane. The bombs could have been disarmed and I could have walked away and been a national hero, but I couldn’t! I wanted to die in that crash!” Steve was suddenly shouting, pressing his face into Bucky’s shoulder.

For a moment, Bucky did nothing. His hands were braced limply against the dock, and he didn’t say anything. But then he was moving to hold Steve tighter, grasping him closer.

“I’m sorry, Bucky… I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough…”

It took a long time to get Steve calm enough to stand him up and walk him over to Bucky’s car. By the time Steve was sitting in the passenger seat with the seat belt strapped across his torso, his eyes were drooping closed. And Bucky couldn’t blame him. A panic attack takes a lot of out you, and Steve’s was draining him hard.

“I’m taking him home. Will you guys be okay to clean up here?” Bucky asked as he walked over to the pavilion.

“Yeah, we got this, man. You go take care of Cap.” Sam assured. Bucky nodded once before returning to the car and hopping into the driver’s seat.

*

The next morning, Steve woke in his bed, Bucky curled tightly around him. It didn’t matter that they didn’t quite fit this way anymore. Steve nosed his way closed against Bucky’s chest, locking his arms around Bucky just a little snugger. The older groaned, his eyes cracking open just barely to look down at his blonde.

“You alright, babe?” Bucky mumbled, his voice rough with sleep. Steve took a moment to think about that. Was he okay? He felt okay… and honestly he felt better having finally told Bucky about the plane.

Steve nodded, pressing his nose to the crook of Bucky’s neck, inhaling deeply. “I’ll be okay…”

It’s taken a long time to get here, and Steve knew he wouldn’t be better over night. It’s a long journey to “okay”, but he was willing to do it. As long as he had Bucky by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, if you spot any grammar mistakes, please point them out. If you have any suggestions on how I could better portray Steve's PTSD or panic attack, please let me know so that I may do so. I hope you enjoyed it, and let me know what you think!


End file.
